You need help (if you read these books)

How To Poo On A Date, How To Be Pope: the self-help books that need help.

Ridiculous self-help books
Help! I appear to have bought some completely stupid self-help books.

Self-help books. Mostly cobblers. Where else would you get endless pages telling you how to improve your life, neglecting to say ”Paying for a self-help book” is rarely a recommended path. 

The industry generates around £7bn, so it’s no wonder all manner of manuals are available to apparently improve your life.

Some of them occasionally border on the sensible. Most are full of thunderingly obvious platitudes. But then there are the deeply weird and downright sinister books. You’ll wonder how they got published, or run off screaming.

1

How To Be Pope

An indispensable guide to what to do should you find yourself pope. Handy, sure. Are you in line to be a pope? Then shell out just 39p on Amazon to discover the ins and outs of being head of the Catholic Church. It’s very likely, however, half of this guff would be explained in your introductory Papal welcome pack.

2

An Advanced Guide To Solo Sex

This isn’t just a basic guide to dancing with yourself. This is ADVANCED. Oh yes. Having a home perv clearly requires instruction, and this is the book to show you ‘A different way of existing, of seeing and feeling. It’s an existence other than from your usual frames of reference.’ But if you need a guide to having a tug, then you’re beyond help.

Any book written by a self-styled “sexpert” needs dealing with while wearing industrial rubber clothes

3

How To Get Over That Bitch And Grow Balls They Can’t Resist: The Masculine Way To Leave And Attract Women

Well, if you weren’t won over by that charmer of a title, then there’s no hope for you. Relationship expert and former male escort Anthony Clark shares his groundbreaking remedies to the most common romantic challenges faced by today’s men and women. “I WISH I READ THIS BOOK 40 YEARS AGO,” claims a satisfied customer who rated it five stars on Amazon. Mate, half this stuff would’ve probably been deemed illegal back then. Perhaps your issue with women is calling them bitches? 

4

How To Poo On A Date

You know how it is. You’re frustrated at your job, you have the ideal book that will lead you to literary fame and… oh. It’s about how to have a shit. It follows previous How To Poo guides navigating you around bowel actions with work. Seriously. You needed a book for that. You may have general issues going about your day, but sadly How To Breathe and How To Look Using Your Eyes are unavailable. NB: This is a book about pooing during a date, not physically on him/her. That’s a whole other self-help book.

5

The Rules For Getting Laid

Any book written by a self-styled “sexpert” needs dealing with while wearing industrial rubber clothes. Check this charmer out: “If you start with a woman a bit lower on the sexual-attractiveness scale, there will be less consequence to any screw-up.” Delightful. Other tips include “Don’t fart” and “Don’t rape”. The book labels itself “politically incorrect”, which is another way of saying “I enjoy behaving like an arsehole.”

Married a witch? Wish you hadn’t? YOU ARE IN LUCK.

6

If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs: A Guide To Understanding Men

We have no idea as to who Big Boom is, but they sound quite the author. We suspect their classic novel that will put them up with Dickens is currently in the works. Meanwhile, he/she is churning out guff like this and its follow-up How to Duck a Suckah: A Guide to Living a Drama-Free Life.

7

Divorcing A Real Witch: For Pagans And The People That Used To Love Them

Married a witch? Wish you hadn’t? YOU ARE IN LUCK. This has actually been awarded by The Bookseller and Diagram as the oddest book title of the year. Admittedly, author Diana Rajchel may have had real concerns to write this epic, and apparently there is little divorce support for anyone who has fallen out of love with a witch. But it’s a niche concern at best, and likely to be accidentally bought in haste by the kind of quemmer who snapped up The Rules For Getting Laid. In which case, good. 

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Loaded freelance reporter Ian Wade writes about music and TV for newspapers and websites. He is also a music publicist. Follow him on Twitter at @WadeyWade

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