Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un appear to be edging towards some form of co-existence – but loaded isn’t convinced.
It will only take one cross word, one ill-advised statement or one mistaken gesture and we could be back to square one. These guys just can’t co-exist in our book, so there’s only one solution: let’s get them to fight.
Whether it’s a boxing match, MMA or just a straight up gladiatorial fight to the death, why not just let Donald and Kim fight this one out with the winner getting his way once and for all? More importantly, who would come out on top? loaded has crunched the numbers to find out.
Any fight worth its salt starts with a bit of pre-bout trash talking and a punch-up between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un would be no different.
Trump would be the clear winner in this respect, given that pretty much nothing is off the table for the Donald, who has hit back with barbs aimed at women, disabled journalists and renewable energy in the past 12 months – and that’s not even the half of it.
Kim, by contrast, is a little bit too gloomy with his trash talking previously firing off such classics as “the days are gone forever when our enemies could blackmail us with nuclear bombs” and “our cause is just, and the might of Korea that is united with truth is infinite”.
He’s no Conor McGregor, that’s for sure.
Winner? Donald Trump.
Fighting may be a matter of style over substance but style still kind of helps set the tone for what is to come.
This is where the Donald falls down somewhat. That comb-over quiff was never going to earn him many points in this respect and he hardly helps things with the orange tan and penchant for the kind of suits a dad might wear to his offspring’s university graduation.
Kim has got this one nailed on for us. Not only is there something suave and mysterious about that all-black attire but his hairstyle is adored by millions across North Korea. Or at least, that’s what they say in public. It wouldn’t look out of place in Dalston though.
Winner? Kim Jong-un.
To truly “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee” in the grand tradition of Muhammad Ali it’s crucial to be in possession of a quick turn of pace.
Again, The Donald is struggling, given that he moves at the near-glacial pace of a man in his 70s and famously gave up pretty much any form of exercise post-College, claiming that exercise is bad for you because “the human body was like a battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only deplete.”
Kim, though boasting a similarly portly frame, is known to be an avid fan of basketball, playing the game all through school and in the years since, though most likely against questionable opposition. Dennis Rodman even met and played b-ball with the guy. “He jokes and loves playing basketball, table tennis, pool,” Rodman said. They also rode horses together. Sounds nice.
Winner? Kim Jong-un.
Ultimately, whoever is able to unleash the strongest punch may end up winning through because there’s little chance of these two gas bags making it through 12 gruelling three-minute rounds.
Trump may have neglected fitness since his younger days but anyone who has ever endured one of his trademark powerful vice-like handshakes will know he’s a man of some strength – Emmanuel Macron is still recovering from his last tugging session with the Potus.
Kim’s only show of strength to date has come via his various missile launches and various blood-soaked political purges – both of which could be designed to compensate for a lack of literal muscle. Let’s put it this way: when he puts on a gun show, it involves actual guns.
Winner? Donald Trump.
And on to the final and arguably toughest of all the categories so far because, from pretty much everything presented to the public so far, these two both appear to be dumb as fuck.
The Donald is a particularly stupid guy. Sure, he graduated with a Bachelor of Science degree in economics from the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania but he’s also a man who once confused 9/11 with the late-night convenience store chain 7 Eleven, has made countless sexist and racist comments and can’t pronounce the word “China” properly.
Kim is more of a mystery though and maybe he earns smart points just for keeping things that way. Then again, maybe he doesn’t. Kim was mostly schooled in Switzerland where reports veered from some claiming he was a bright kid and others suggesting he was thick as shit. He’s clearly not that dumb though, as he knows full well that a nuclear launch would guarantee the destruction of North Korea. Or so far, at least.
Kim is guilty of a lot of crazy, paranoid shit though. And, as much as you might despise him, Trump has had to show a bit of business savvy to get where he has got and has definitely proven himself to be ruthless, as anyone who ever saw The Apprentice will attest.
Winner? Donald Trump, but only just.
Verdict: Trump Wins
Kim may have the edge when it comes to style and speed, but Trump’s mix of trash talk and brute strength puts them on an even keel. Ultimately this one has to go to the Donald though, who gets it on a technicality based on his intelligence – there’s genuinely no way of knowing whether Kim is smart or dumb as hell, so it’s a case of going with what you know.
Who would you back in a fight between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un? Vote below
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Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.