Video: Making A Murderer summed up in two-minute rap

Comedy driven news agency sums up the lengthy Avery trial in just over two minutes.

While many binge-watched Making A Murderer, making their way through the entire 11-hour Netflix series in one weekend and neglecting to eat or wash, an American comedy news channel has come up with a shorter alternative.

In just over two minutes, Funk The News take you through the Steven Avery story from start to finish. And they haven’t done a bad job.

The rap starts by telling the tale of Avery, admitting: “He’s not the nicest guy, they say he cold-smoked a cat.”

The ensuing nine verses take the viewer through events from Avery’s initial trial, to the over-turning of his conviction, moving onto his arrest for the murder of photographer Teresa Halbach.

It ends by admitting that although many viewers will move on to another box set, Avery remains in prison and deserves a retrial. 

See the lyrics below – spoiler alert, obviously…

Making A Murderer's Steven Avery was convicted by Ken Kratz
Life term Making A Murderer's Steven Avery was wrongly convicted of rape before being charged with murder. Image Picture Netflix

 

MAKING A MURDERER (THE CLIFF’S NOTES SONG) – Lyrics

It’s what everybody’s talking ‘bout its quite a trend
you heard on NPR or maybe from a friend
about some dirty cops and an unfair trail
Well, Funk the News gives it to ya Cliff’s Notes style

It’s an interesting tale for those who have Netflix
Steven Avery’s a man who never seems to get justice
He’s not the nicest guy, they say he cold-smoked a cat
And that’s not a slang term, I mean he burned up a pet

He spent 18 years in the slammer for rape
But they got the wrong guy it wasn’t his DNA
So Avery was released in 2003
But it wasn’t long before there was another felony

Murder was the charge and proof Steve did the crime
But it was found by the cops who screwed up the first time
and did I happen to say Steve was suing the police
for 36 million, they were very displeased

The cops being sued found the most damning evidence
you gotta admit it’s a strange coincidence
They found a key in his room from the victim’s car
even though they searched the house 6 times before

They found the victim’s car with Steve’s blood inside
but not one fingerprint, what a weird homicide
and the chick who found the car, you gotta wonder how she knew it
well, guess what, she had help, she said God took her to it

Here comes a twist that seems strange at a glance
I felt so enraged I nearly pissed my pants
See there’s an old blood sample of Steve’s that was found
looked like it’d been opened when no one was around

Could that old blood have been planted by the cops
Was it a crime on a crime what a strange paradox
the investigators got the nephew to straight up confess
that he helped with the crime though they couldn’t find a mess

See, the alleged crime scene was pretty damn clean
no blood or DNA I swear you’ll scream at the screen
he had some bad ass lawyers but the cops didn’t crack
and throughout they would shout “the deck has been stacked!”

Sure, Steven Avery is a creepy kinda guy
its not hard to believe he committed such a crime
he has all the appeal of a wet pair of socks
he looks like Zach Galafanakis had sex with an ox
Now he’s in prison for life maybe you’re cool with it
you’ll switch to House of Cards or Ridiculous Six
But he needs a new trial, hope anyone can see
Did they make him a murderer? You almost gotta believe.

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Loaded’s entertainment editor Jennifer O’Brien is an award-winning journalist who has written extensively about popular culture as a national newspaper columnist and author. Follow her on Twitter at @Jen_OBrien1

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