Full English breakfast preferences are a lot like arseholes – everyone has one.
That old adage rings particularly true when it comes to Great Britain’s biggest and best contribution to the culinary world – everyone has their preferences when it comes to what is on the plate.
Maybe they leave their bacon until last or tend to scoff down a sausage or two before the beans have even had time to develop a skin. Thankfully loaded is wading into the debate with the definitive list ranking each and every element of the classic full English breakfast, from worst through to best.
Here goes nothing…
A greasy, tasteless abomination that leaves you feeling sweaty, gross and entirely undeserving of the feast in front of you. Avoid at all costs.
Near the bottom of the pile simply for the fact they would hardly be missed if absent. Tomatoes still have a place in the fry up reckoning but they need to be grilled to perfection – not dripping with juice. Anything else is tantamount to treason.
Bread is brilliant. That’s a fact. It goes with pretty much anything, including itself – you could have a bread sandwich and it would still be great. It’s still something of a blank canvass in the world of the fry up. Toast is great and everything but would you take it over any of the meats, or other tasty accompaniments? Thought not.
Another element that needs to be done just right, good breakfast mushrooms should be fried and served with a lovely sprinkle of salt. You can even chuck in a few herbs to really jazz things up. Either way, they rank as the second best bit of veg on the plate.
Alright, it may be the fry up equivalent of eating an old scab, but put that idea at the back of your mind and black pudding is basically food crack. It’s salty, sausage-like and incredibly moreish. It also mixes well with the other elements to create some legendary flavour combos.
Not just one of the best elements of the humble fry up but a reliable foodstuff to help you get through the difficulties of life. Add essential moisture and flavouring to everything they touch. Love them like a brother.
Phallic similarities aside, the sausage is another important part of the fry up mix and the ideal breakwater for anyone eager to keep their beans separate from the other elements of the meal. Quality is essential but get a great sausage on the plate and you’ll be on to a winner.
As painful as it is to admit, the reality is that there is simply no place for chips in any proper full English breakfast. But there is another way of getting that extra bit of potato on your plate – the humble hash brown. Better overcooked than undercooked, there a few things finer in life than a crispy hash brown.
Some like it crispy. Others prefer it with a little more life. Whatever your bacon preference, the facts are simple: bacon is brilliant in any and all contexts. It also combines perfectly with pretty much everything. So load up and enjoy.
The centre of the full English breakfast universe, good eggs are a make-or-break element of the fry up and need to be crafted to perfection. That means crispy on the edge but with a little wobble that gives way to a runny yolk perfect for dipping.
Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.