Celebrity Big Brother is back, and with it a cavalcade of not-especially-famous faces who reach the dizzying heights of the D-list.
This year’s line-up includes Strictly Come Dancing’s Kristina Rihanoff, David Bowie’s ex-wife Angie Bowie and a man who claims to be one of Kim Kardashian’s closest friends in Jonathan Cheban. They’re the most famous contestants, with one exception.
Also entering the house is Gemma Collins, a veteran of The Only Way Is Essex and the 2014 edition of I’m A Celebrity. Her time in the jungle ended when she walked out after a mere three days – a real detriment to the show because Collins brings solid-gold entertainment.
Don’t believe us? Revisit these daft quotes courtesy of a woman who once rebounded from a bad break-up by spending £1,000 on fortune tellers.
On treating a woman right
“You don’t ever disrespect a girl like that again. Take a good look at this. You ain’t ever gonna get this candy. I am sexy.”
On making a name for herself
“I’m Gemma Collins. I’m 34 years old. I’ve earned my divaship.”
On the ideal carrot dip
“I’ve brought you hommos.”
On her lofty (unfulfilled) ambition for I’m A Celeb
“People are going to see the real bare, stripped-back me. I might just become Bear Grylls, you never know.”
On staying clean in the jungle
“I’ve never been in a shower which takes so much hard work, but you’ve just got to roll with it, like Oasis said.”
On classic fables
“I’ve cracked at the first hurdle. It’s like the turtle and the slug or the horse and the rabbit or something. I can’t remember what it is.”
“I’d give anything for a bit of dried fruit. I’m not even asking for a ham sandwich with a pack of Quavers on the side, just some dried fruit.”
“I stayed at yours the other night, we spooned… but the boner was poking me in the back, and you know, you gotta start poking it in the front, Charlie.”