10 of Simon Cowell’s most savage and hilarious put-downs

The man with the sharpest tongue in showbiz.

Simon Cowell posing on a red carpet.
Happy Birthday Simon Cowell The music mogul turns 57 today. Image Getty

Simon Cowell has never been one to shy away from a cutting one-liner – as his time on the judging panel of The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent show.

His career in the music business is extensive, but it’s his time as a reality TV mogul that’s earned him international recognition. In fact he’s probably more famous for his put-downs than he is for his music industry career.

With over 15 years of appearing on TV talent shows under his belt, he’s dished out a fair few of his famous stingers in that time.

Here’s our list of ten of the best Simon Cowell put-downs…


1

“If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.”

2

“My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don’t.”

3

“If you win this competition, we will have failed.”

4

“Oh, gosh, where do I start? I mean I’m not being rude but you look like the Incredible Hulk’s wife.”

5

“I don’t know what cats being squashed sound like in Lithuania… but I now have a pretty good idea.”

6

“I presume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight?”

7

“I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you.”

8

“Do you have a singing teacher? Get a lawyer and sue her.” 

9

“If the criteria was to vote people through for singing every note out of tune, you would win tonight.”

10

“It was a bit like ordering a hamburger, and only getting the bun.”

Simon Cowell can currently be seen sitting in his usual judge’s seat on the current series of The X Factor Saturday nights on ITV.

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Loaded digital reporter Oli Palmer has been writing about film/TV since 2013. Follow Oli on Twitter at @olipalmer