10 of Simon Cowell’s most savage and hilarious put-downs

The man with the sharpest tongue in showbiz.

Simon Cowell posing on a red carpet.
Happy Birthday Simon Cowell The music mogul turns 57 today. Image Getty

Simon Cowell has never been one to shy away from a cutting one-liner – as his time on the judging panel of The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent show.

His career in the music business is extensive, but it’s his time as a reality TV mogul that’s earned him international recognition. In fact he’s probably more famous for his put-downs than he is for his music industry career.

With over 15 years of appearing on TV talent shows under his belt, he’s dished out a fair few of his famous stingers in that time.

Here’s our list of ten of the best Simon Cowell put-downs…


“If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.”


“My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don’t.”


“If you win this competition, we will have failed.”


“Oh, gosh, where do I start? I mean I’m not being rude but you look like the Incredible Hulk’s wife.”


“I don’t know what cats being squashed sound like in Lithuania… but I now have a pretty good idea.”


“I presume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight?”


“I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you.”


“Do you have a singing teacher? Get a lawyer and sue her.” 


“If the criteria was to vote people through for singing every note out of tune, you would win tonight.”


“It was a bit like ordering a hamburger, and only getting the bun.”

Simon Cowell can currently be seen sitting in his usual judge’s seat on the current series of The X Factor Saturday nights on ITV.

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