rob delaney’s blueprint for (relative) happiness

Twitter’s biggest comedian guides you through porn, pubes, power, fidelity and tattoos.

Rob Delaney shares his guide to life
Stand up guy Rob Delaney went from hopeless pisshead to being voted ‘Funniest Man On Twitter’ by Comedy Central. Image Pictures Chelsea Lauren/WireImage

Thirteen years ago Rob Delaney almost killed himself when he slammed his car into a wall while drink driving.

His booze blackouts started as early as his school years and Delaney says he was a disturbed alcoholic until the age of 25.

Now aged 38, Delaney has been sober for 13 years after he went into rehab and therapy after his car smash. The 6ft 3in comic, who clomps around like a hirsute lumberjack, has since been voted ‘Twitter’s funniest man’ by Comedy Central, landed sitcom success with Sharon Horgan in Catastrophe and raises two kids in London with his wife after he relocated to the UK from his native US.

His tweets to 1.2 million-plus followers range from gentle ‘edginess’ (sample: ‘Wi-Fi at my uncle’s funeral is a fucking joke!’) to the direct (‘Sun’s a cunt’ – his summary of the red-top’s stomping of Jeremy Corbyn.)

But the Boston-born comic portrays himself as a sensitive alpha male – a cultured caveman. Delaney’s stand-up is liberal, tackling subjects including women’s bodies, porn, war, homophobia, abortion, citizens’ rights and state-funded medical care.

There’s also a healthy dose of the scatological, with bits on grandmothers’ clitorises, diarrhoea and yodelling into vaginas – as well paedophilia and kidnapping.

Here’s his essentials for existence, from the secret that keeps him faithful to his wife to advice on why you should steer clear of online shopping, shaved women, anal, and tattoos.

 


 

Don’t be arsed to cheat

“I don’t fuck women who aren’t my wife. It’s not because I love her – give me a break. It’s because I just don’t know how to manage my time.

“I want to fuck other women as much as I want to become an astronaut. It would be great, but fuck you if I’m going to put in the elbow grease”

We have these little kids that we made. The first thing they do is stick an industrial strength hoover straight to your heart and suck out everything that’s good about you. You have nothing left to offer the world after they do that. If after that, you put them to bed and your spouse is like, ‘I have a need or a feeling’, you’re like, ‘Why the fuck would I care?’ Then if after that I got a text message from a mistress, like at 10pm, I’d be like, ‘It’s 10pm, I haven’t had time to take a shit’.

That’s why I don’t fuck women who aren’t my wife – it’s a clerical thing. I want to fuck other women, but I want to do it as much as I want to be an astronaut. I’m sure it would be the greatest thing in the universe, but fuck you if I’m going to put in the elbow grease.”

Masturbate to the written word

Rob Delaney recommends cracking one off to the written word
Poetry in motion Delaney favours cracking one off to well written erotic prose, as he did in the good ol’ days.

“I grew up in the 1980s and when I wanted to masturbate I had to write a letter to a friend’s older brother who lived in Pennsylvania, and he would mail me back the coordinates of where he had buried a cigar box that had a rain damaged copy of Playboy inside. I’d have to take a map and a friend and we’d have to bring backpacks and dried goods and hike through the woods. We’d get there just as the sun was setting and we’d dig it up and we’d have to jerk off together in the dark.

Now, with the Internet, it’s just total filth. You open up porn online and it’s just a gaping butthole. Why is it so gross? When I was younger I’d have to jerk off to poetry. I used to have to jerk off to the written word. You should try it.”

Don’t obsess about anal

“People are fucking each other in their butts a lot today, and I’ve tried it. I was in college and it may have been my girlfriend’s idea. I started doing it – just started – and she began screaming, and so did I. I was like, ‘Argh – I want you to enjoy what we do. Let’s just go and get a falafel’. And she was like, ‘No – you need to know what it was like.’ I started backing up against the wall. I thought Navy SEALs were going to break in and hold me down and go, ‘You need to learn’.

What she did was go to her cupboard and bring out a tiny vibrator. It was just an eeny-weeny one – one you’d use on the bus. She just pressed it against my cute little butt and I was like, ‘Aaarrrghhh’. I wanted to throw up. So, ladies, I get why you don’t want to do that. Unless you want me to fuck you in the butthole – then I’ll do it. I’m not a monster after all.”

Choose ‘real’ women

“Women are reading Cosmopolitan and other magazines and looking on the Internet and at porn and it’s all telling them to shave their pussies. Don’t – have hair on your pussy. I want to know you’re an adult woman. When I go down there, I go down there to do work. I’m going to eat the shit out of your pussy, because you deserve it. You’ve had a hard day, so I’m going to lick your pussy. I’m going to vacuum your pussy. I’m going to wear it, I’m going to scuba dive into it.

There’s about five reasons not to be a paedophile. One of them is that – and people forget this – kids are really, really bad at sex

I don’t want women to look like little kids when I’m doing all that work. If I wanted to fuck a little kid, I would – what are they going to do about it if I wanted to fuck them? I’m going to hold them down and fuck them if I want – I’m a big guy. But I don’t want to do that. There’s about five reasons not to be a paedophile. One of them is that – and people forget this – kids are really, really bad at sex.

Instead, I want to fuck a big beefy, horsey, adult woman – like my wife. I want to fuck a woman who can build a shed with her bare hands and them fuck me in it. I like stretch marks on a woman because it’s like she’s bursting at the seams with hot lady meat and I’m going to need to put on a bib before I punch in – to go to work.”

A photo posted by robdelaney (@robdelaney) on

Single-minded Delaney poses alongside one of his true loves.

Worship all breasts

“I love breasts. I don’t care what they’re like – small or big. Maybe they’re small because you’re on an athletics team and your coaches are helping you to achieve your sports goals. Or maybe you’re from Eastern Europe and you don’t know how we do things here and you have hair around your nipples. I’ll still lick them with the hair, because it’s like going on holiday without leaving my house.”

Don’t use online shopping

“I buy my groceries online, but it’s too much power. I could be sitting there in my underwear and I hit a button, and a farmer gets a jolt in his cerebral cortex and he stumbles out to his outhouse, walks up to a cow with a gun and blasts its brains out. Then he throws that into a blender and throws that into a trash bag and mails it to my family and I feed it to my kids. That’s just crazy. I know that’s not exactly what happens, but it is – that’s exactly what happens, and it’s crazy. I shouldn’t have that power.”

Get shot of hatred

“I say the word faggot all the time, because I like it. But you shouldn’t, because faggots get upset, and faggots are people too. I recently celebrated an important anniversary – seven years of glorious freedom from homosexuality.

Any homophobes out there can meet me – and suck my dick. Then they’ll see it’s not so bad. There’s nothing to fear

I used to be a godless faggot and my parents, who love me and knew that was wrong, threw me in the back of the family Ford Aerostar and drove me to the woods to a prayer camp where they effectively helped me pray away the gay. It wasn’t easy because any journey from faggoty darkness into Christ’s light is of course difficult. But, it is possible, and they did it.

It was so cool, because there was a ceremony where they wife’d me up and my father gave me a beautiful medallion that said, ‘Courage to change’.

I would have let guys do fucking nasty shit to me before that camp, because I wasn’t into normal shit. My nickname at the clubs in West Hollywood was ‘The Squeegee’.

Now, none of that happened to me. It did, however, happen to a friend of mine. I tell that story because it didn’t work and he re-gay’d. He now lives in the Castro neighbourhood of San Francisco and he’s mostly happy except for the horrific memory of what his parents did to him.

I tell that story to illustrate how ridiculous any kind of homophobia or hatred is. If there are any homophobes out there – you can meet me and suck my dick. Then you’ll see that being gay is not so bad – you have nothing to fear.”

Tattoos make you look like a vegan clown

“Do you remember in the olden days if you saw someone with a neck tattoo, you thought, ‘Oh, my number is up. I’m about to have my throat cut’? Now when you see someone with a neck tattoo, you know they got it done in their local muffin shop and they’ll just ask you, ‘Could I read you a poem about my vegan bicycle?’”

And finally… a video message from Rob explaining why you should always let yourself be molested by John Travolta

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