Let’s just make Wayne Rooney England manager and be done with it

Installing Rooney in place of Sam Allardyce could kill two birds with one stone.

Wayne Rooney Just as shocked as we are Image Matthew Lewis/Getty

It’s been a trying few days for England fans with Sam Allardyce exiting as Three Lions manager under something of a cloud.

To make matters worse, the situation surrounding Wayne Rooney has hardly improved.

Dropped by Manchester United, Rooney will unsurprisingly remain England captain under interim manager Gareth Southgate.

Rooney celebrated the news with a cameo performance in United’s lacklustre 1-0 victory over Zorya in the Europa League that featured contenders for both the worst assist of all time and worst attempt at a raking cross-field Paul Scholes pass.

Meanwhile, England are no closer to landing Big Sam successor with Alan Pardew, Arsene Wenger and, most randomly of all, Ralf Rangnick linked to the post.

But it doesn’t have to be this way – let’s just make Rooney England manager and be done with it.


1

The Job

Wayne Rooney and Roy Hodgson at an England press conference.

Let’s be honest for a second: The England job really isn’t that demanding. You get together with players a couple of times a year and then spend the rest of the time going from Premier League game to Premier League game while being pampered beyond belief. The rest is mostly spent playing solitaire on a computer in a fancy office and taking your time responding to emails, like most office jobs

Rooney wouldn’t be the first to go straight into a national team job either – Jurgen Klinsmann’s first job was as Germany manager where he guided Die Mannschaft to the World Cup…third-place playoff.

2

Rooney’s Record 

Wayne Rooney of Manchester United.
Wayne Rooney Looking managerial Image Clive Brunskill/Getty

Many will say the England job could be too much for Rooney to take on but he’s already shown the incredible impact he can have on a team from the touchline.

Left out of the Manchester United side that recently faced Leicester, Rooney masterminded a 4-1 win from the bench in much the same way Cristiano Ronaldo’s high-pitched screams and petulant foot-stomping “motivated” his Portugal underlings to victory in the final of Euro 2016.

Rooney’s approach was different of course, with the striker sitting down looking mostly bored until he came on. He’s clearly a student of the Roy Hodgson school of England management then.

3

Dietary Requirements

A Melton Mowbray Pork Pie.
Melton Mowbray magic. The ultimate pork pie. Image Creative Commons

One thing Rooney has clearly always hated about being a professional footballer is the fact you have to adhere to a pretty strict diet.

But that would all change the minute he became full-time manager. He could claim it was some food-based tribute to Big Sam as he scoffs down on Doner kebab pizzas and cheesy chips in the Wembley dugout to his heart’s content.

If it works for former Tottenham player turned manager/potato Mido, then Wazza is more than worthy.

Mido of Tottenham fame.
Yes, that's Mido The Mido Image Twitter

5

The Special One

Jose Mourinho Sacked from ChelseaMake no mistake, Jose Mourinho is under pressure at Manchester United and sort of shitting it.

Having left Chelsea humiliated before arriving at United with the task of integrating the world’s most expensive and elaborated coiffed footballer, Paul Pogba, into his team, results are expected.

The problem is that Rooney has not been helping his cause of late with a series of displays that have had United fans pining for the days of Eric Djemba-Djemba and The Special One facing questions about Wazza’s inclusion in the team.

If Rooney retires to take up the England role, Mourinho won’t just treat him to a couple of cheeky glasses of red, he will break out the Tesco Finest wine box.

6

Wayne Rooney and the fans 

Three Lions fans want an English manager with the required “passion” to do the job properly rather than anything approaching coaching credentials – what other explanation is there for Pardew’s name being bandied around?

Rooney is therefore the logical choice. His involvement in the coaching setup would be a major breakthrough in a strategic sense too with England no longer required to find room for a rotund striker less clear on where he is supposed to be playing than we are.

It would also help Rooney rebuild some of the bridges burned when he decided to berate his own fans down the lens of a TV camera during the 2010 World Cup (see above).

7

Media Management

England Wayne Rooney

Above all else, there’s the fact that Rooney is unlikely to be caught up in any sort of press sting because he’s already been busted about a million times already and to punish him anymore would just seem unfair and a bit like poking a one-legged pigeon with a stick.

There was the stuff about his dad, the granny prostitute and, of course, Helen Wood. Like Rasputin taking small amounts of poison to boost his immunity to them, by now Rooney is pretty much bullet proof when it comes to this stuff. 

More importantly, with most pundits turning a blind eye to Rooney’s form on the field, he should be bullet proof should England fall foul of Scotland or Malta in World Cup qualifying.

DISCLAIMER: loaded does not actually want Rooney to be England boss. Wenger has our vote.

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Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.