Loaded columnists’ festive frenzy

Revisit Johnny Vegas, Greg Davies and John Niven’s Christmases from our vaults.

Greg Davies in Doctor Who Christmas special
I need a Doctor Greg Davies gets off his head at Christmas. Image Picture Simon Ridgway/BBC

Greg Davies, Johnny Vegas, John Niven… Three names you’d love to be entertained by at Christmas, just not necessarily in person. 

Whether it’s Man Down sitcom star Davies, Kill Your Friends/Straight White Male author Niven or possibly reformed lunatic Vegas, it’s hard to imagine any of them having a remotely normal Christmas. 

So it proved when Loaded asked our columnists to share their Christmas plans…

John Niven: “Every year my mum will start asking me what I want for Christmas around September. My answer is the same every year – nothing.

This all has to do with managing expectations: if you don’t want nothing then you got nothing to lose, as Bob Dylan nearly said. When it comes to buying gifts for others it’s simple: allocate one day in the first week in December and go out and spend roughly double what you felt you could afford on everyone. You will achieve two key goals here: being seen as a generous person while avoiding trying to end your own life in some department store of Christmas Eve.”

Greg Davies: “Most Christmas mornings between the ages of 17 and 35, the day began with my mum saying to my sister and I: “Why? Every year I ask you not to get hammered.”

Johnny Vegas: “Saturday: Ended up getting the rest of me Crimbo presents at Camden Market, so it’ll be a windchime/puppet/friendship-bracelet/juggling-balls/knitted-tye-die Christmas this year. Our Kid has sold his car, so I gave him the cash to hire a van to get me and my booty home.

“Sunday: It was a few weeks before Christmas, and in the car park of a service station just outside London not a single creature was stirring – apart from the fire brigade, who were frantically trying to put out the hire van. Apparently it was caused by an electrical fault started by a cigarette or something.”


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