It turns out we’ve been pooing wrong all this time

Next time you drop the kids off at the pool, keep it schtum.

Mr Hankey the Christmas poo from South Park.
Mr Hankey The Christmas poo Image Comedy Central

Baking brownies, cutting a cable, logging out, releasing the hounds; these are just a few of the euphemisms the more immature among us like to use when it comes to bowel movements.

Dropping the kids off at the pool is no laughing matter though, with a good proportion of the average person’s life spent sat on the commode.

In fact, new research suggests that we may have all been doing the wrong thing when it comes to pooing.

Jan Fallingborg is a senior consultant in the gastroenterology department of Aarhus University Hospital and knows a thing or two about stools – and we don’t mean the kind you sit on.

To his way of thinking, when it comes to pulling off the perfect poo, silence is golden brown.

“Basically it is all about pressure and that pressure decreases when we let air and noises out of our mouth,” he told The Local.

 “It is all about pressure”

“Therefore the release of forced sounds should have the opposite effect,”

So if you find yourself grunting along with a particular tricky bit of toilet-based action, keep a lid on it, otherwise you might end up being there all day.

Not that Fallingborg is completely convinced by his own theory, offering up an interesting counter-argument.

“It could be that grunting may give a sense of psychological satisfaction,” he reflects.

The question is are you a strainer?

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Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.