Tinder, Grindr, Hinge, Bumble, Happn, Friendsy, Cuddlr… the world of hook-up apps now sounds like a deviant version of Snow White’s dwarf posse.
But at least it’s helping everyone in Britain to have more sex. Or is it?
Far from helping humanity get some every night, new findings show twenty-somethings in the UK who regularly use dating apps are having less sex than any generation since their grandparents.
Generation X guys slept with an average of 10 women before marriage.
Now, men born since the early ’80s – classed with the dodgy term millennials – only have eight partners before finding a wife.
Yet post-World War II baby boomers born between 1946-64 had an average of 11 lovers before settling.
So, modern man is in the sticky spot of being jealous of the amount of pie got by his grandad.
Details of the findings get worse. According to Elite Daily’s survey, 8 per cent of twenty-somethings don’t have any sex. Another 11 per cent only cop off once or twice a month.
What’s the reason for the sex drought when apps promoting riding are spreading like a syphilis epidemic?
“What’s the reason for the sex drought when apps promoting riding are spreading like a syphilis epidemic?”
According to sexologist Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University, it’s partly a fear of disease.
“Young people are more aware of the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancies than ever before,” says Twenge. “They prefer having sex with a smaller circle of people who they trust.”
Panic over deadly sexual diseases isn’t something your grandad had to tackle before having a go – finding a free bed away from his parents’ pad was his biggest concern.
He definitely didn’t have to contend with the choice offered by the Internet. Porn is everywhere, part of a list of reasons to stay in and have a one-man party. You can order a pizza one-handed on your laptop while clutching a smartphone beaming out a kaleidoscope of anything-goes free porn.
If you do decide to meet someone you haven’t swiped past on Tinder, you can practically decide whether you’re going to have sex with them or not beforehand by searching for their posts on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Flickr, Google+ and fuck knows what else.
Despite the supposed freedom of choice offered by hook-up apps, are we being paralysed into indecision by constantly second-guessing whether our potential partners are worth getting off with after all?
If you already know she prefers Inside Amy Schumer to Narcos, your fussy inner dickhead may have stupidly already ruled her out.
One thing we can all be pleased about: the survey says we now know what we’re up to in the bedroom.
The number of partners may be fewer, but the orgasms are greater: 43 per cent of women climax every time they have sex, while another 30 per cent get regular satisfaction.
Loaded’s deputy editor John Earls has covered entertainment and sport across a range of national newspapers, plus several football and music magazines, since 1990. Follow him on Twitter at @EarlsJohn