Exclusive: What a dildo-less America with Ted Cruz as president could look like

We spoke to industry insiders about the Republican candidate’s crusade against sex toys

Cruz control Ted really doesn't like dildos. Image Scott Olson/Getty Images

Donald Trump may be the Republican candidate that poses the greatest threat to America’s civil liberties but it’s his rival Ted Cruz who represents an even bigger threat… when it comes to sex toys.

Details have emerged that Cruz – then solicitor general for Texas – wrote a 76-page document in 2007 calling for the US Court of Appeals to uphold a law banning the sale of dildos, artificial vaginas and other sex toys.

“There is no substantive due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship,” Cruz wrote in the document, uncovered by US news site Mother Jones.

With Cruz back in contention for the Republican Party nomination, however, the document has sparked fresh fears in the sex toy industry and beyond that a Cruz presidency could bring about a nationwide ban on dildos, flesh lights and other pleasure-enhancing paraphernalia.

“He’s a dangerous person and if elected, we will have our own Taliban-like regime that is concerned with how we orgasm.”

Speaking to Loaded, sex toys pioneer Brian Sloan (inventor of the Autoblow 2) spoke candidly about his concerns over Cruz.

“That Ted Cruz wanted to act as the Committee For The Promotion Of Virtue And Prevention of Vice as they have in Saudi Arabia is an affront to all Americans,” fumes Sloan. “On the one hand, Cruz speaks against Islamic extremism, but on the other he wants to prevent us from stimulating our own genitals. And for what? Only because of his own religious beliefs, which the majority of Americans do not share.

“Cruz is a dangerous person and, if elected, we will have our own Taliban-like regime concerned with how we orgasm.”

A one man mission
A one man mission Brian Sloan is changing perceptions one sex toy at a time.

Painting Cruz as a dildo-based version of Osama Bin Laden, for many in the industry any blanket ban on sex toys could potentially drive customers either underground or into drastic and potentially dangerous alternatives.

Adult Empire sex toy manager Chelsea McCain (no relation to John) certainly thinks so.

“The cucumber and banana business will be booming, luring people to their local farmers markets”

In fact, she thinks things could get a little oral, but not in the way you might have thought.

“There’d be a rise in electric toothbrush sales, and toothpaste sales too – since people will have to buy both so they don’t look suspicious with five styles of toothbrushes to test the different vibration settings,” McCain told Loaded.

It may not be entirely bad news for America though, with both Sloan and McCain predicting one major winner of a sex toys ban: farming.

“The cucumber and banana business will be booming, luring people to their local farmers’ markets,” says McCain.

Very bad for VR Porn
Very bad for VR Porn The use of teledildonics in VR Porn could also be affected.

Sloan puts it in slight less poetic terms. “People would have to begin fucking themselves with fruits and vegetables,” he admits.

“There would even perhaps be special clinics that would open and specialise in object removal”

 “Cucumbers would sell out on Valentine’s Day and men would show up to the grocery store to purchase pumpkins at 2am.”

According to the King of Sex Toys, there may even be a few casualties along the way, putting yet more pressure on America’s health care services.

“Oh, there would be a huge increase in unusual objects being removed from vaginas and rectums around the country,” he admitted. “There would even perhaps be special clinics that would open and specialise in object removal.”

Meanwhile, new technologies like virtual reality porn could be stunted at a crucial early stage for sex-based technology platforms. With any ban on sex toys likely to include teledildonics, the online fun could be over before it has even begun.

Proof, if needed, that dildos really do make the world go round.

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Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.

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