For as long as anyone can remember, people have been sticking any number of weird and wonderful objects up their butts.
Sometimes it’s had the desired effect but, every now and then, things have gone wrong, with amusing and, occasionally, disturbing results.
Earlier this year loaded reported on the unfortunate soul who ended up in hospital after sticking a rather large aubergine up his anus.
He said it was put up there to help relieve constipation but, ultimately, the offending vegetable came scarily close to killing the poor fool.
After that, loaded thought a new bar had been set for strange and unusual items being stuck up butts. But then an alarming report from The Dutch Journal of Medicine surfaced that left us questioning everything.
The disturbing report came up the article “Step-by-step approach to rectal corpus alienum” which translates as a guide to removing unusual things from the rectum.
And it was within this report, in one of three case studies put forward that we were presented with possibly the most disturbing things-up-a-butt tale we’ve ever heard:
“Patient C is a 29-year-old man who came to the emergency room around midnight because of acute stomach pain,” the study explains.
“Together with his partner, he had anally inserted 15 boiled and peeled eggs while under the influence of GHB earlier in the evening.”
Traditionally used to treat narcolepsy, GHB is most famous for its use during chemsex sessions and in other, more sinister, situations. But we’re getting off the main topic here.
By the time the egg-filled man got to hospital, he was suffering from an abnormally rapid heartbeat of 120 beats per minute and a rapid breathing rate of 28 breaths per minute.
A subsequent physical exam showed abdominal guarding across the abdomen. Suspecting abdominal sepsis, the doctors conducted a CT scan on the patient with astonishing results.
“Visible in the CT scan were a perforation in the sigmoid [pelvic colon] and a considerable amount of air and fluid in the abdominal cavity,” the doctors report said. “Therefore, we deemed an emergency laparotomy necessary.”
This surgical procedure saw a large incision made through the abdominal wall in order to gain access to the main cavity, which was a mess, to say the least.
The eggs had caused havoc. The large intestine had ruptured resulting in a serious inflammation caused by faecal matter leaking unto the cavity.
“The eggs were removed as well as we could and the abdominal cavity was thoroughly rinsed,” the case study reads.
“After the operation, the patient was monitored for a short time in the ICU, and after a few days he was able to leave the hospital in a clinically good condition.”
Though he emerged unscathed from the horrific incident, it rightly ranks as an example of one of the strangest and quite possibly most dangerous things you can ever shove up your butt.
So, if anyone ever suggests sticking eggs up your butt in the name of kinky sex shenanigans, just laugh and tell them they must be “yoking”.
It’ll diffuse what’s likely to be an awkward situation.
Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.