Doug Stanhope roasts ‘Donald Dick’

“America’s sickest man” is mad as hell and isn’t going to take Trump any more.

Doug Stanhope fears Donald Trump is a sociopath
The last great Stanhope One of the few standing up for what Hunter S. used to.

Hunter Stockton Thompson isn’t coming back.

Thankfully, we have Doug Stanhope to deal with the world’s twisted, power-frenzied swines.

Like Thompson, Stanhope advocates being out of your mind most of the time – his catchphrase is, “I’m Doug Stanhope, and that’s why I drink.”

Unlike Thompson, Stanhope consciously tries to avoid commenting on politics. He says it’s pointless to rage against power because “everything on every level is a conspiracy and it’s all obviously bullshit, so why should I care?”

His solution to dealing with impotence in the face of well-funded power is simple: “Just drink.”

He makes an exception for Donald Trump. It’s little wonder – the property windbag said the Isis terrorists who massacred people on an industrial scale in Paris on Friday night would have spilled less blood if more French citizens carried guns.

“When you look at Paris, with the toughest gun laws in the world, nobody had guns but the bad guys,” the Republican presidential candidate said during an appearance in Texas hours after the outrage. He rambled on, “Nobody had guns, and they were just shooting them one by one, and then they broke in and had a big shootout and ultimately killed the terrorists. And I will tell you what – you can say what you want – if they had guns, if our people had guns, if they were allowed to carry, it would have been a much, much different situation.”

After the Charlie Hebdo attack in January Trump tweeted, ‘Isn’t it interesting that the tragedy in Paris took place in one of the toughest gun control countries in the world?’

Here, Stanhope sums up why Trump is “just a dick”.



Donald Trump
Trumped up Donald Trump is going to be so mad... Image Picture Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty Images

Donald Dick by Doug Stanhope

I don’t give a fuck about politics. It’s like watching sport. I have a favourite hockey team, but I don’t watch them unless it’s the play-offs.

But I’ve been watching Donald Trump. He and another Republican candidate, Bernie Sanders, both say to the established authorities, “Fuck you, and everything you’ve built up over the past 40 years.”

Trump will reject and spin on a dime, at a moment’s notice, on any opinion he has. He doesn’t have a homophobic bone in his body, but he doesn’t give a flying fuck. So he’ll say whatever he needs to say to get the Republican candidacy. Then, once he’s elected, he’ll say, “Fuck that, I’m doing what I want.”

Having Trump in power for four years would be fucking hilarious. But he’s a sociopath

Every politician does that but, unlike the rest, Trump doesn’t need to have someone putting money in his pocket to say the right thing. Trump already has all the power that other politicians crave. So, he’s saying whatever, whenever. Once you have a certain amount of money, it’s just about ego. This is Trump saying, “This is just about me”.

The Republican candidates’ debate on TV would have been unwatchable without Trump. After it was aired, he was the only candidate whose rating increased.

Trump made two very important points. Firstly, he said nobody would be talking about immigration if he hadn’t been an asshole about it. Any other candidate would have been eviscerated if they’d so much as aired the same views as Trump at their local golf club. But Trump said, “Right, go ahead and spear me.” He didn’t capitulate, he just repeated the same views.

The other substantive thing Trump said is he’d remove the borders between states that exist in health care. It would no longer be, “You may have this policy in Idaho, but it doesn’t apply in Minnesota.” The only people who’d object to that are people who’ve been given subsidies by health care companies – and every other candidate will have been given those same subsidies by the big health care companies.

Trump is just a dick. He’s nothing but a dick

Trump is actually entertaining – that’s important. Having him in power for four years would be fucking hilarious. But people with egos like Trump’s are fucking dangerous. Here’s a guy who, if he won, would start wars because he’d be so overwhelmed with power.

There’s no humanity to Trump, and that’s the problem. He’s a sociopath. People love war, and he’d have troops dying with the same level of depth as he says, “You’re fired” on The Apprentice.

Trump is just a dick – he’s nothing but a dick. It’s terrifying how people can grow popular and famous just because they’re being a dick. People love to go, “Ah – that guy’s a dick”, and that’s what I do. I record the schlock that is Celebrity Apprentice and fast forward through commercials to watch people being dicks. I hate myself for it, but that’s what I do.

And how will Trump pick a cabinet effectively? How can he pick a cabinet when he chose Gary Busey over Meat Loaf on Celebrity Apprentice?

But you shouldn’t talk about Trump. It only makes him more popular – it’s the Kardashian effect.

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