God apparently caused a Good Friday miracle after ITV’s studio caught fire during Good Morning Britain this morning – the day Jeremy Kyle was due to begin its stint as the breakfast show’s guest presenter.
In a case of cholera standing in for leprosy, Kyle was yesterday announced as Piers Morgan’s holiday relief replacement as host of ITV’s cheery inanity. With Susanna Reid also on holiday, Kate Garraway was drafted in as Kyle’s blameless co-host.
However, news that Kyle was being allowed to temporarily step away from its daytime ITV bearpit clearly displeased the Lord. In a frankly all too rare example of letting His feelings be known, God punished ITV for allowing Kyle to pretend it can empathise with regular humans and caused the studio to burst into flames on Friday morning.
With perfect timing, the fire began at 6:59am, just a minute before Kyle was due to make its debut of putting the nation right off its breakfast. The ITV building on London’s South Bank was evacuated, with Good Morning Britain’s crew of 50 people thankfully unhurt.
Pre-recorded programmes replaced the impending Kyle apocalypse before regular programming resumed with that nice Lorraine Kelly’s show Lorraine at 8:30am.
ITV insisted it will risk further heavenly wrath by allowing Kyle to resume spreading its poison across Britain’s TV screens when the show returns on Monday. A spokesperson for God warned ITV: “Don’t push it.”
Kyle, 50 in human years, was the subject of a particularly patronising social media frenzy this week when attractive guest Ricky Blay appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show. Thigh-rubbing Loose Women devotees tweeted their lust over the latest in the show’s endless stream of social unfortunates.
Blay was on the show to call his stepmother a cheat and a liar, but this was ignored as he is well fit. In other news, we’re all going to hell.
Loaded’s deputy editor John Earls has covered entertainment and sport across a range of national newspapers, plus several football and music magazines, since 1990. Follow him on Twitter at @EarlsJohn