The Cringiest Sh*t People Say In The Workplace Every Goddam Day

This is for the David Brent mother*ckers out there. You know who you are.

Ricky Gervais in David Brent: Life On The Road
Chilled-out entertainer Ricky Gervais is bringing David Brent back for Life On The Road. Image Picture courtesy eOne/Ray Burmiston

Work can be stressful at the best of times without having someone bombard you with the kind of bullsh*t business speak that would make even The Office’s David Brent blush.

With that in mind www.LondonOffices.com has put together a study showcasing the 10 most cringeworthy phrases used in the workplace pretty much every f*cking day.

From tired clichés to PC-friendly terms and few words that will stir up memories of that crap temp job you had in your 20s, as many as 1,000 office workers were quizzed as part of the research.

Here’s the top 10 most irritating words and phrases from the workplace in 2016 – and there’s not a visa vis or pro quo in sight.

10

Delta

Let’s just work out the “Delta” on these numbers – No, we just need to know the difference please!

9

Tweak

If you could just “tweak” it a little… – This innuendo-riddled sentence is a major cringe-maker, and it’s a coy way of asking for changes to a piece of work.

8

Comfort Break

Let’s take a “comfort break” – what this actually means is here’s 5 minutes to go and pee because you’ve been stuck in this training room for 2 hours.

7

Buddy

Can you “buddy” up with our new employee? – we don’t need buddies at work, we need professionally minded, reliable colleagues to pair with. And we’re not at school.

6

Smile While You Dial

Remember to “smile while you dial” – this antiquated phrase from the 1980s call-centre has made it into the mainstream office manager’s vocabulary and irritates the hell out of everyone.

5

Brain Dump

Let me just make a “Brain Dump” for you with everything I know – like the Thought Shower but much less eloquent. And somewhat faecal-like in quality perhaps?

4

Low Hanging Fruit

This is “low hanging fruit”  the thought of dangling bananas is just too much for some people to get their heads around.

3

Winner winner chicken dinner

 “Winner winner chicken dinner”  it’s pretty hard not to seriously face-palm when this one is rolled out for some marginal success.

2

ETA

Can I get an “ETA” on that report please  yes, once I’ve tweaked the stats and leveraged the delta we can sit down and brain dump some more ideas for our preso later today…. Do we really need to explain?

1

Preso

Preso – seriously? Presentation, please… people

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Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.