“Padme ran quickly into her apartment building. Jar Jar followed her. Padme ripped her shirt off. Then she took her socks and shoes off. Padme jumped on the couch. ‘What are yousa doing?’ Jar Jar asked. Padme looked up at Jar Jar. “I’m horny as hell and need to orgasm!’ Padme shouted. Jar Jar smiled. He had never heard Padme talk dirty like this before.”
When George Lucas first envisioned the character of Jar Jar Binks, he probably never imagined the sort of extreme reactions he would generate among Star Wars fans.
Jar Jar Binks was supposed to be the kid-friendly, comic relief. The loveable, ill-equipped hero perfect for any number of licensing opportunities, from lunch boxes to toys.
One thing Lucas probably never envisioned was the idea of Jar Jar getting a boner, let alone making sweet love to Natalie Portman’s Padme.
No, that vision belonged to Star Wars: The Clone Wars porn fanfic author HotSexyFace, the scribe behind arguably the first and only piece of Jar Jar Binks erotic fan fiction to ever find its way into existence.
Presented in short story form via the always-entertaining fanfiction.net, it’s a simple enough tale in narrative terms.
Coming home from a Republic Senate meeting, Padme finds herself in the mood for love. Alas, Anakin Skywalker is away fighting the good fight and leaving Padme home alone and desperate for a very different kind of lightsaber.
Things come to a head, as it were, on the way to her apartment when she comes across none other than Jar Jar. Things escalate from there, really.
It’s difficult to really do justice to what follows, so loaded thought it would be best to simply provide a few of our favourite moments and let you either fill in the blanks or seek out the rest of this story:
“’Eat me out!’ Padme said loudly. Jar Jar smiled. ‘Yousa count on me senator!’”
“She held it in her hand. It was huge! It was about 10-12 inches! ‘I’m gonna suck your gigantic gungan d**k dry!’ Padme said seductively. Jar Jar smiled.”
“’I want you to f**k my tight brown ***hole,’ Padme demanded. ‘Mesa love to!’ Jar Jar said happily.”
A vivid depiction of intergalactic, interspecies sex, Jar Jar Binks hasn’t screwed anyone this hard since those poor bastards who slept rough for a week waiting to see Episode I for the first time.
Vivid, descriptive and downright hilarious, it’s nice to see that someone found a use for Jar Jar Binks – now if all traces of this twisted tale could be blasted off to a galaxy far, far away, that would be great.
Just to emphasise again: this is NOT the erotic Stars Wars fan fiction you are looking for.