The return of the Premier League is almost upon us, which can mean only one thing for football fans: Gary Lineker presenting Match of the Day in his pants.
Lineker pledged to present the first show of the new season in his under-crackers during Leicester’s remarkable run to the title last season with the MOTD host evidently confident his beloved Foxes would fail to go the distance.
But go the distance they did and once the celebrations died down, the chances are Lineker had a quiet moment of reflection during which the implications of what he promised began to dawn on him.
A bet is unfortunately a bet and with the BBC and Lineker likely to be eager to save face, loaded is on hand to offer five key bits of advice for Gary ahead of his “stripped-back” performance.
Boxers Not Briefs
Gary has a reputation to uphold as the sexy elder statesman of sport, so wearing a dodgy pair of Y-fronts is not advised. Go for some silky boxer briefs instead. The viewing public and, more importantly, your genitals, will thank you for it.
Shades of Grey
If Lineker’s performances at Italia ’90 taught us anything, it was that he was capable of finding the net against the very best. If they taught us anything else, it’s that he has no reservations about shitting himself on live TV. A dark shade of boxers is therefore advised.
Warm Up Properly
Everyone suffers stage fright from time to time and as a former professional footballer, Gary will be only too aware of the importance of a good warm-up. The type of warm-up we are referring to may be slightly different to what was his normal routine but it still remains essential ahead of game time.
Nurture those Nipples
Science has shown us, time and time again, that nipples are important and if Lineker wants to be firing on all cylinders as the new season kicks off, he could do worse than get these erogenous zones up and alert. Especially if Shearer suffers one of his brain fades again…
Think of Thatcher
While the merits of “warming up” are already well-documented – you want to look your very best on telly, after all – sometimes these things can go a little, well, too far. Our best advice is to combat such “arousing” concerns by thinking of Margaret Thatcher. It’s always worked wonders for us.
Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.