Jamie Carragher has been suspended by Sky Sports after footage emerged of him spitting in the direction of a Manchester United fan and his 14-year-old daughter, but it needn’t have been that way.
Sure, spitting is a disgusting and entirely disrespectful habit but Carragher is a top-class pundit and, by all accounts, an all-round nice bloke.
No, here at loaded, we’d rather see Carragher suffer in the name of juvenile amusement rather than be sacked or suspended.
In fact, we’ve come up with 7 cruel and amusing punishments Sky Sports should consider – all meant in good fun, of course.
Make him a Manchester United season ticket holder.
It’s difficult to know which would be worse: making Jamie watch an entire season of hated rivals Manchester United or making him watch Jose Mourinho’s “special” brand of football at Old Trafford.
Lock him in a room with Graeme Souness for 10 minutes.
Given Souey’s penchant for a punch-up during his playing and managerial days, loaded can think of no better man to deliver an old school lesson in discipline to Carra. 10 minutes bare-chested in a locked room and the only rule is no punches to the face or bollocks.
Make him do punditry work with Phil Neville rather than Gary.
As anyone who tuned into P.Nev’s commentary for the BBC at the 2014 World Cup will recall, he’s got a monotone voice and analytical style that makes the prospect of watching paint dry seem appealing. Give G.Nev the women’s national team job and make Carra suffer.
Send him on holiday with Richard Keys in Doha.
Not only would Keys make for an unbearable holiday buddy, constantly craving pints and bants, but a week out in Qatar with Keysey, Gray and the bizarre line up of pundits over on BeIn Sports would be more than enough to put Carragher back on the straight and narrow.
Give him Michael Owen’s voice box.
Carragher’s accent may make his words indecipherable at times to some viewers but at least he’s not cursed with the monotone, robotic vocal stylings of his former Liverpool teammate. A bit of Face/Off style swap surgery could quickly fix that though.
Make him do punditry work in the Championship.
Get ready for lots of long balls and cold Tuesday nights in places like Rotherham, Burton and Norwich. Mo Salah interviews will be a thing of the past, with Carra instead forced to trade pointed post-match barbs with Championship mainstays like Neil Warnock.
Let Djimi Traore do his job for a month.
It must bug Carragher almost every day that arguably one of the worst defenders in the history of the Premier League has won as many Champions League medals as him. Imagine the torment if Traore takes over on Sky Sports and does a better job!
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Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.