Three Lions. World In Motion. Vindaloo.
England has a pretty impressive pedigree when it comes to producing truly great World Cup songs, even if results on the pitch don’t always go their way.
But while there have been plenty of memorable hits down the years, some of the horrifying misses often get overlooked.
From lazily put together updates of more familiar hits through to misguided attempts at patriotism from unlikely sources, it’s high time someone revisited some of these World Cup horror shows.
Here are the 5 worst England World Cup songs ever recorded.
Chico – “It’s England Time”
Just beating out Tony Christie’s “Is This The Way To The World Cup” to make the top five, this unimaginative reworking of “Chico Time” by X Factor’s Chico Slimani arrived four years after the original version hit the top of the charts.
Slimani apparently recorded the track after having a vision England would lift the trophy in 2010 and that afterward, the commentators in the final would reference the song. Alas, much like Fabio Capello’s team that year, “England Time” flopped, failing to even make the top 40.
Black Lace & DJ Neil Phillips – “We Are the England Fans”
Widely regarded as one of the worst bands of all time, Black Lace are best known for novelty hits like “Agadoo”, “I Am The Music Man” and “Do The Conga” which were all, unfathomably, hits in the 1980s and early 1990s.
By 2010 they were keen to get in on the act with England so teamed up with DJ Neil Phillips (us, neither) for a rehash of “I Am The Music Man” that pulled off the remarkable feat of somehow being more annoying than one of the most annoying songs ever recorded.
Neil Morrissey & England’s Pride – “England’s On The Way”
2010 really was a bad year for England World Cup songs with this being the biggest stinker of the bunch. Having already scored back-to-back number ones at the turn of the century as Bob The Builder, Neil Morrissey struck out on his own nine years later with disastrous results.
Teaming up with England’s Pride for a reworking of the frequently covered Solomon Linda classic “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”, the track came at the height of Morrissey hubris while its painful attempt at tapping into the “vibe” of a World Cup in South Africa is painful to say the least.
Grandad Roberts – “Meat Pie, Sausage Roll (Come on England, Gi’s a Goal)”
Having seen David Baddiel and Frank Skinner turn their hand to an England song with great success in 1996, comedians far and wide flocked to try their hand at a World Cup song two years later.
But while the likes of Keith Allen struck gold, others like Andy Wilkinson were less successful. Better known by his stage name Smug Roberts, Wilkinson transformed into Grandad Roberts for this song inspired by a well-known Oldham Athletic chant. Allen’s “Vindaloo” reached no.2 in the charts. “Meat Pie Sausage Roll” came in at no.67.
Neil & Christine Hamilton – “England are Jolly Dee!”
A painful attempt at an England song by two figures largely despised or ignored by the general public, Neil and Christine Hamilton had milked their Z-list celebrity status for all its worth by the time this song came along.
Featuring terrible vocals, crap lyrics about Sven’s bedroom antics and one of the most half-arsed music videos you are ever likely to see, this is the kind of song that would make for a handy tool for anyone considering torture as an interrogation technique. Listen to it but only to absorb the true horror of it all.
Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.