Whether it’s by bus, train or on the underground – food and public transport go together about as well as Frankie Boyle and the One Show with any number of culinary cock-ups going off on your average daily commute.
Some say it’s about eating the right kind of food – never hot and always handheld – but we can’t help but think the world would be a better place if everyone just stopped stuffing their faces during the journey in to or away from work.
And that includes all forms of kebab, KFC and McDonalds.
But if you are still sceptical about food’s place in the realm of public transport, we have uncovered five real-life stories from real-life commuters encountering real-life weirdos and their food.
One thing is for sure: you will never look at a banana the same way again.
A Fruity Sort
We start with the story of Reddit user Crystal_Bacon, and a guy we like to call Bananaman:
“On the underground in London and this old homeless guy gets on. He goes and sits in the middle of the carriage and pulls out the biggest banana you’ve ever seen. So he peels it down about half way then shoves it down his neck, like full, porno deep-throating. Then to top it off, he starts to look around and find eye contact with everyone. Just staring at you, deep into your soul whist he goes to town on this banana.”
The Sandwich Bandit
Would you share a sandwich with anyone, let alone someone you met on a train? Well Lalv91 has a story for you:
“I saw one stranger fall asleep on another stranger on the metro in Paris. The sleeping guy had half a sandwich in his hand so the other guy just took it out of his hand and started eating it. The guy sleeping woke up to find this random stranger eating his sandwich and was just like ‘What the fuck, that’s my sandwich’ and they had a big argument about it because the guy wanted it as compensation for being slept on.”
Welcome to Orange County
Oranges are the fruit with a 1,000 uses. Well, at least to the guy at the centre of Reddit user Shteenz’s story:
“This guy probably around forty years old for on the bus in a superman suit. Cape, foam muscles, tights, the whole nine yards. He then sits next to me, opens his backpack, which is filled to the brim with JUST oranges. oranges. I turn away for a moment, glance back at him disgusted, and he starts crying and rubbing an orange on my shoulder furiously.”
You Wanna Pizza Me
Loaded loves pizza as much as the next guy. But as Graphicsideas showcases – some people take that love way too far:
“Seattle Metro bus (49 on Broadway): two drunk, disheveled women board the bus holding a pizza. They are extremely proud to have this pizza, and offer some to the bus driver (he politely declines). They then go on to explain that they got the pizza by bartering with a homeless man who had found it in the trash. The women start eating the pizza on the bus, when the bus hits a bump. The pizza falls onto the dirty bus floor, cheese side down, making a huge mess. Then, the women scrape the pizza off of the bus floor, and continue to eat it. They eat this pizza in the most disgusting way possible, peeling it off the bus floor, getting it all over their faces, hair, and clothes.
“I watched this whole scene thinking that I was on some sort of prank or hidden camera TV show…it was just too ridiculous to really be happening. But no, it was really happening. I just tried my best not to laugh. OM NOM NOM PIZZA OMG SCARFF!”
A Banana Smoothie
Bananas can be erotic enough regardless of the context, but nerdiculous saw something no man should ever see:
“There was a quite fashionably dressed man coming out of the metro in Paris in high heels, stockings, and a nice flowy skirt. He then proceeded to hike up said skirt, grabbed a carrot from his bag and proceeded to committed a brutal act of autosodomy for all the world to see. My girlfriend was not as impressed as I was when I drew her attention to this act of public self-love.”