FOR THE FIRST TIME, KATE MIDDLETON’S COUSIN, KATRINA DARLING, EXCLUSIVELY BARES ALL ABOUT HER STRIPTEASE ACT AND TALES OF DEBAUCHERY.
‘‘I’m more interested in a connection with someone than what’s between their legs,” laughs Kate Middleton’s cousin Katrina Darling as she admits a lack of any fussiness when it comes to the size or shape of the crown jewels.
“I’ve had a gay relationship. I experimented when I was younger and obviously went back to what I’m more comfortable with. If you have an emotional connection with somebody that’s where a relationship comes from.”
The Duchess of Cambridge and future Queen’s majestically sexy relation shakes off the shackles of regal decorum as reveals all in her shocking interview and naked shoot. And the burlesque wonder from Sunderland sensationally presents herself as the blast of fresh air stuffy old Regina needs. Anyone who disagrees is talking through his or her hats.
A right royal shit storm blew up when it emerged the raunchy striptease artist was related to Kate shortly before her wedding to Prince William at Westminster Abbey. A search of the Middleton’s family tree led to the discovery that the sultry Miss Darling was a second cousin to Kate, once removed.
And with it the world went crazy at frenzied thoughts of a scandal. In an exclusive interview with loaded, she tells for the first time of her debauched late-night antics, newfound fame and her blue-blooded connections. God save Her Majesty though. The old girl has no idea about the bisexual storm of spinning tits, tassels and tattoos blowing her way.
Last year the Baked Bean enjoyed a spectacular Diamond Jubilee, pageant with a rain-sodden trawl up the Thames and a sing-a-long in the garden. Since then, there’s been a fair bit of hell raised by the younger end of The Firm. Dirty Harry flashed his chopper in front of a group of giggling blondes in Las Vegas and some rat whipped his long lens out after spotting the Duchess of Cambridge parading round on the balcony of a private villa. Despite getting her legal writs out, the snaps were already half way around the world.
Her sister – the one with that arse dubbed Her Royal Hotness by the red tops – was also seen in Paris dashing around with some French aristocrat flashing a gun at the plebs. So, royal scandals have hardly been thin on the ground.
But nothing that compares to this performance. The 22-year-old is all too keen to flash the flesh and show off some garish ink. The dancer has four very large tattoos with one, on the back of her arm, featuring a cartoon cat – similar to characters from ThunderCats.
“I’ve done catwalk shows when it’s all transvestites and just me,” laughs the dyed- blonde stripper after she’s finally finished posing suggestively and writhing around in a South London studio apartment in the nude.
Despite coming over all funny at admission of her Sapphic tendencies, loaded couldn’t agree more. She can tell because we are nodding away like a toy dog in a car rear window. While snooty commentators may suggest we do a spell in the Tower for treason, we believe Katrina is the monarchy’s future.
To put you in the picture, Liz and Phil’s new in-laws, otherwise known as former airplane staff the Middletons, have got a spiky branch or two on the family tree they can’t snip off. First there was Kate’s uncle Gary Goldsmith knocking out toot to reporters in his Ibiza bolt- hole known to the postman as La Maison de Bang Bang. Then Kristina emerged as a pale white vision of sex in cheeky crown-shaped pasties – nipple stickers without the tassels.
Her father Eric lives in a three-bed semi in Sunderland, and is a Kleeneze catalogue salesman. Katrina’s grandmother Jenny is the sister of Kate Middleton’s grandmother, Thomas Harrison. Her mother, Maureen, is also a sales person and works from home. And Katrina has got little intention of adhering to any stuffy protocols issued by Buckingham Palace. “I’m very liberal, and very open about what I’m about,” she declares.
“I don’t particularly believe in marriage or the laws of the land. God, I never wanted to be a princess. Marriage is a religious institution. A lot of what is preached by the religion is homophobic or anti-feminist.”
She’s smart, sassy, risqué, outrageous and a touch brassy. Katrina is a full-on independent woman. You’ll never find her walking a few paces behind a man. It probably takes a lot to shock anyone who takes her clothes off in many a licentious bash on a frequent basis, so it’s not a great shock to find the 22-year-old was unfazed to be told she was distantly related to Kate.
“All I knew about Kate was what is shoved down your throat by the media,” she states after popping outside on to the balcony for a fag. “In regards to Pippa, she’s kind of in a similar situation to me, whereas she’s been thrust into the limelight and wants to live her life. Kate’s dignified in the way she handles it – being put on a pedestal like Diana.
“It’s all a bit bonkers. It must be strange to live like Kate. It’s a bit like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears; they’ve been stars from a young age and lived in a bubble of non-reality. They’ve never been in a council flat. Once somebody has had everything catered for, they just become deluded. I think Kate had an upper- class upbringing to begin with and moved in those social circles, so it’s probably something she’s used to.”
Through the ages little girls have grown up wanting to be princesses, yet Katrina, who was performing a high- octane sex act called God Save The Queen long before discovering she was the Duchess of Cambridge’s second cousin once removed, is not going to hunt anyone.
“I would have never chased a man at all,” she tells loaded. “I’m perfectly able to stand on my own two feet. Well, you could say ‘Her career pretty much relies on her body.’ I’m aware it’s not going to last forever, but in any job you are selling yourself, either selling your mind, or selling your strength. I’ve always been independent – I don’t like people paying for dinner.
“I don’t find William attractive. My boyfriend works in retail in a men’s designer store. He’s a totally down-to- earth sort of guy. I’ve known Nathan [her boyfriend] since we were 15. We both used to work in the local alternative shop when we were young goths. He encourages me to do burlesque. He’d be the first person to say get on the plane, go and do your job. He’s so supportive and runs after my arse without me having to ask. Wills’ probably used to people running after him.”
As it happens, Katrina is none too impressed by her new family. She rather looks down her nose at them. “Yes, I would like to meet Kate, especially after all that has happened. I believe there’s a novelty to the Royal Family, but I’ve always been on the fence to be honest. I can see the appeal to them and I can see their downfall. Part of me is very forward thinking and part of me is traditionalist. I’m like a 1950s housewife who works in the clubs at night taking her clothes off. But everybody is a bit of a hypocrite really. In regards to how they are funded, I don’t believe in the tax system in the UK. I don’t believe you should pay a certain percent of your wage depending on what tax band you’re in and by law be told you have to pay for them. I think the Royal family should draw money from their tourist things.”
“I didn’t change my view when I found out I was related,” she continues, crossing her long legs and reclining in her vintage fur coat. “I always look at people as equals and I don’t really see a class. I know it exists, but I don’t treat people in a class system kind of way. My friend Barry met the Queen and when he saw her eyes, and
I’ve heard this a few times, he said that there’s just something about them that are not of this world. She’s just got these eyes like pools. I don’t know.”
Er, yes, we understand what you mean. Katrina has many attributes including fire-eating, but shyness is not one of them. “Prince Philip is like one of those slightly racist nanas that don’t really know any better,” she declares. “It is sort of a bit ‘bless him.’ He’s embarrassing, but then so is every granddad. There’s nothing wrong with an old man breaking wind. It just so happens that Prince Philip
is in the situations he is. These things are natural bodily functions.” One down and she’s not finished yet. Round the wagons.
“I think Prince Charles has done a lot of good for people with his own trust and things like that,” she adds, mounting a stirring defence of the divisive royal, before adding, “but at the end of the day it is his own prerogative who he dates. Some men are like that. You can’t polish a turd.” Ouch.
“I wouldn’t go for Prince Harry,” she continues, “as I’m just not attracted to him. I looked at the naked Prince Harry pictures and I laughed because it was hardly naked at all. I’m really not bothered about seeing his tackle to be honest – it’s not on my list of priorities. The kid’s young, he’s privileged. I mean how many young, privileged kids are just knocking back the booze and having free run of plush penthouse suites? He’s just enjoying himself. Anyone who says that they wouldn’t take advantage would be lying.”
And it’s not just those with those with a lifeline from the Privy Purse that the hurricane called Katrina is willing to hit. “The outer circle of the Royal family – the likes of Fergie and that – I mean is it our responsibility to keep her in knickers and shoes?” she asks. “I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself, so I can’t see why she can’t do it.”
Well, that’s not quite true is it? Katrina, a former Barclays bank employee who still lives in the North East, is hardly ever seen out in public fully clothed. Normally she dons nothing more than a thong. “It’s just about being body aware,” she tells loaded. “I’m a burlesque performer so I have to be or otherwise it will all be a bit of a calamity on stage. I didn’t really set out to learn burlesque. I’m much more of a doer than a talker. I’d been to see a normal show in Sunderland by some local girls I knew. I’ve always been really creative and I’d done gymnastics for ten years, made my own clothes and been in bands as well. I saw this burlesque show and I immediately thought that it was another way in which I could express myself.
“It was the first time I’d stripped, but I’ve always been pretty comfortable with my body. I don’t feel undressed when I’m not wearing clothes. I feel very comfortable. I think it’s good at a young age not to have much insecurity. There’s no point in getting hung up on what you don’t particularly like about yourself because while they may be different to the norm they are what make you the person you are. I love my eyes and lips most – and my tattoos as well.
“I did my first burlesque performance two weeks after my eighteenth birthday. I had been practicing for it and I don’t think my parents really understood what is was all about. My sister and my older sister came to shows and they thought it was fun and didn’t take it too seriously. I had to show my breasts during the first show but that didn’t bother me. A pair of tits is a pair of tits to me really.”
Katrina has previously capitalised on her Royal link by doing a burlesque song and dance routine to God Save The Queen during the monarch’s Diamond Jubilee. She’s very keen to show her trade in a positive light. “Burlesque is like a social experiment really, it attracts all sorts of people from plumbers to aristocrats. It is still underground to a certain degree, but it has become more popular through people like Dita Von Teese. Even gyms and place like that are doing burlesque classes now.
“I used to do hen parties and things like that which are great fun featuring a little tease. You get the bride’s mum and the younger ones who’ve all got the pasties on either on their nipples. Pasties are the ones without tassels on. “After I’d been performing burlesque for a couple of years then I started doing some modelling. The first photographer I worked with was just an amateur at college. He told me I was more fluid as a model than most people and that I should try more things out. A few mags had approached me and I did a few cover shoots. It was all sexy stuff. As a woman, and me being a multi-faceted being is very sexual. Women should be allowed to express that – they shouldn’t feel ashamed about their body.”
It’s not everyday you discover you have blood- blooded relations and Katrina confesses it has taken a while to sink in. “I was doing a show for a friend’s birthday. After I got back home, I settled down for a few glasses of wine with a friend and noticed I had a few voicemails. Some reporter from the Daily Mail had left a message saying that they had been looking into Kate Middleton’s family tree and I was related to her. I thought ‘What a load of crap.’ My mum had already told them I did burlesque.
“I was listening to this voicemail telling me I was related to Kate and it was April Fool’s Day. I had been doing a God Save The Queen act for two years beforehand, but a quick Google search it was all there – a happy cliché if there ever was one. After that everything just went mental. The only draw back was to read about all this ‘shame’. I saw headlines like ‘A shame she’s revealing herself.’ I thought ‘I’m sorry’ there’s no shame.
“Before it, I had been arranging to go out to New York to do some shows,” she sighs. “I was then asked if I would do Playboy. All the girls who do burlesque aspire to do. It was overwhelming.
Despite her liberal attitude, she is very protective about the Duchess’ right not to have snaps of her breasts on holiday published. Katrina condemns the foreign newspapers and magazines that published the intimate pictures. “Kate didn’t shoot the pictures. She was on private land and comfortable being in her own skin. I don’t think she should be scrutinised for being comfortable in her own skin.”
It is very unlikely she will ever be invited round to the Palace for scones and a stroke of the Corgis. “If I was born with expectations, I’d probably be like Harry,” she adds. Well, if she did meet the Ginger Prince, we reckon he, like us, would take quite a shine to her.