14 Of Anthony Jeselnik’s darkest and most hilarious jokes

America's most outspokenly hilarious comedian at his best.

Outspoken comedian Anthony Jeselnik.

In the era of social media outrage and offense, comedian Anthony Jeselnik is a no-holds-barred breath of fresh air.

An Emmy Award-nominated American comedian known for hit Netflix specials like “Caligula” and “Thoughts & Prayers”, no subject is off limits for Jeselnik, who has quickly established a reputation as the master of the perfectly crafted joke.

Ahead of his latest visit to the UK for his brand-new show “Funny Games” loaded has collected together 14 of his darkest and most hilarious jokes. They don’t disappoint.


14

Confessing to a hit and run

“Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious — nobody saw me.”

13

Talking about his dad 

“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black.

“That way, when I found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a letdown.”

12

About his foster child

“I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day.

“Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”

11

His great-grandmother 

“My great-grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”

10

On the relationship with his grandparents

“It’s impossible for me to hear the words “quadruple murder-suicide” without thinking of my grandparents.”

9

About his ex-girlfriend

“I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer. But no one will do it.”

8

On his girlfriend’s death

“My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating.

“I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.”

7

The truth about kids and guns

“You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.”

6

The Roseanne Barr fat joke

“You had gastric bypass surgery in 1998, and then you beat it.”

Anthony Jeselnik

5

On navigating casual sex 

“Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.”

4

On Hookups 

“I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.”

3

Holocaust denial

“My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention.

“And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch “Schindler’s List.” And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once.”

2

Learning to be a parent 

“You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.”

1

On abortion 

“Women are really divided on abortion in this country.

“Half of them are cool, but the other half I have to drag down there.”


Anthony Jeselnik will perform ‘Funny Games’ at Leicester Square Theatre in London on Aug 20th (sold out) and Aug 21st and Edinburgh Fringe Festival at Assembly Hall on Aug 22nd and 23rd. Click here for tickets.

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Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.