12 Hilariously Awful Real-Life One Night Stand Stories

12 brilliant stories

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One night stands are increasingly commonplace in the modern age of online dating, where hookups are just a simple swipe away.

So it makes sense that the number of strange, awkward or even horrific one night stands has also increased as a result. And while these encounters make for all sorts of anguish at the time, they also serve for memorable stories you can share with your mates, or even online in some cases.

One Reddit thread on the subject has proven particularly juicy for these tales of the unexpected. Asking the question, “What is your worst experience of waking up after a one-night stand?” they received some interesting answers, to say the least.

Here are nine of loaded’s favourite dirty dozen.


12

Couple in bed

“She wanted me to stay for the night, I didn’t want to but I did. I woke up in the middle of the night and tried to sneak out just to find out the door was locked! She woke up and asked me where I was going… “Water” was the only thing that came to mind. She walked with me to the kitchen, walked with me back to the room and locked the door again.”

11

“This lady drove me to her place. In the morning we woke up to a 50-year-old dude standing at the edge of the bed going off on her saying “So I guess this is the end of our relationship, huh?”.
A little while later she uses my car to go get groceries and her mom shows up with her kids telling me that CPS is stopping by. When they get there I try and be polite and answer the CPS ladies questions without giving away that we literally met last night, waiting desperately for her to get back.
When she does return she’s shocked to see CPS there and leaves my keys in her purse. And starts talking with the lady immediately. I felt too awkward to ask her for my keys back and just kind of sat there. She starts crying talking about how she’s working so hard to turn her life around.
I’m trying to quietly get her mom’s attention to have her go get my keys. Which doesn’t work. Finally, after what feels like forever, I get kind of antsy and say “Oh, crap! I got to go get ready for work!” Which thankfully works and I finally leave.

“Edit: We were at the same party. After the party died down I was too drunk to drive still. She said she would. So she drove me and my car to her house. And in the morning, she used it for groceries. For some clarification on the car thing.”

10

“Woke up between a young married couple I met at the bar the night before. I spent the morning awkwardly being shown their wedding photos from just three weeks prior. When it was time to politely jet, I couldn’t find my other sock, at which point the husband excitedly shouts “souvenir !”.”

9

Meghan Markle Suits sex scene

“Woke up alone before dawn inside a beautiful house with no furniture. The fact that it was such a big house made it even more unnerving that it was empty.

As I slowly walked through the house to find where this person went, the large blank rooms began to fill with the predawn bluish light reminiscent of sci-fi movies. I started to become nervous and returned to the now illuminated bedroom.

The only place in the house that even looked remotely lived in was the bedroom which of course had a bed, but now that I could see better I realized what else was in the room with me.
Fucking hundreds of Diet Pepsi cans.

Just Diet Pepsi cans stacked from the floor up, row after row, lining the walls. Now I could see there was a dresser in there with cans stacked on top of it. Every corner, the window ledge…that’s when I looked closer and realized they were empty cans, meaning this person wasn’t collecting them for monetary gain or anything, just drinking and stacking them I guess??

So yeah, no note saying how to lock up or a phone number, just cans and an empty house.
I walked out the door and drove back into town. Creeps me out to this day

EDIT: Just found this person on Facebook, considering sending a message to ask what the fuck is with Pepsi cans since I never asked, not sure how to word it?

Edit: Thinking “What’s with the soda can house” is the funniest way to ask so far”

8

“Woke up next to my one night stand. She had pissed the bed. There were a total of 9 people in the house only the 2 home owners knew each other. Everyone else were total strangers. Come to find out I’m in a different state which to be fair is only like 2 hours away from where I live. I had to sit around in piss soaked clothes with a bunch of strangers while my friend came and picked me up. He made me put on a trash bag in his car lol.”

7

“Woke up on the other side of London pretty happy with myself… until I realised all I had to wear was a tiger onesie, no shoes not t-shirt just boxers and a tiger onesie. Going through London rush hour in a tiger onesie with the remains of tiger face paint was interesting.”

6

sex

“It was after a Halloween party one night in college, I went home with a girl back to her place, my buddy who was with was completely wasted, so he came with to pass out on her couch. I woke up at about 5 in the morning to him at the foot of the bed pissing on it and on our feet. I said “name wtf” and kicked him in the leg, to which he just sort of turned and continued to piss on the floor. He then crawls into bed on the other side of her.. She was still passed out, so I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t get him to wake up so I thought I’d try to just fall back asleep and if she woke up, I’d act just as suprised as she was… I tried curling up into a ball to fall back asleep, but with the foot of the bed covered in piss, him sleeping on the other side of her and me being tall, it didn’t happen. I pretty much laid there for a good hour or two. The other guy was my ride so I couldn’t just get up and leave either.
He eventually woke up.. After pissing himself again in her bed, looked at me.. “Wtf happened” I was like dude you pissed everywhere.. He got up and went back to the couch, and she woke up pretty much right after. I was pretending to be asleep, and she felt the wetness around her, and “woke me up” confused as all hell.. I played dumb as best as I could.. She was putting her nose into it and everything trying to smell what it was, and since it was straight booze it didn’t have really any odor.. She was questioning if her cat peed or what had happened, and I just acted as confused as could be as well.. I felt bad, but couldn’t tell her the truth as we kind of knew each other and had some mutual friends. My friend and I left pretty quickly after.. He was suppppper embarrassed around me for awhile after.”

5

“I woke up and went outside to call an Uber home after hooking up with this girl and going back to her house one night. Turns out her Dad is an Uber driver, and guess who was his first customer of the day? Hands down the most awkward car ride I have ever experienced.”

4

“Woke up alone and naked in my bed. Figured dude left. No big deal. Suddenly had terrible horrible awful intensestomach cramps. Got up to go to the bathroom. Had to run with my hand cupped under my ass to avoid getting shit everywhere (pro-tip: don’t do this. Shit gets everywhere anyways…. no use getting it all over your hands too.)

“Anyways, liquid shit exploded out of my ass for a good 15 minutes. Was sitting on the toilet grateful dude had left and wasn’t there to witness my horrible dreaded ass-pissing episode. Got it all out, took a shower, went back to my room to find a huge brown puddle in my bed. We fell asleep spooning. Dude was the big spoon. Needless to say, we never spoke again.

“Tl;dr: probably shat on a dude in my sleep.

“Edit: Of course. This is my highest voted comment. Fuck.”

 

3

Sex

“Met a guy and ended up at his place, had what I thought was a good time and decided to add him on Twitter when I woke up the next morning. He had spent the whole night complaining about me, and wishing he could have kicked me out right after we had finished.”

2

“Came home with a girl from the bar. We were both trashed, had sex, her dog watched. She vomited on me while performing oral sex. Cleaned up as best as I could before passing out. Woke up in the morning to her mom attempting to come in, asking who was in her room. She said “no one, go away” before telling me that I couldn’t leave until her parents left for work.

“No way in hell I was staying for two hours with puke dick. I climbed out her window on the second floor and jumped off of the roof. Stuck the landing and jogged away down the street… into a culdesac. Turned around to get out and her mom is on the front lawn in a bath robe staring me down holding her morning coffee. Walked to a gas station where a friend picked me up.
Edit: Oh, and I got chlamydia.

“TLDR: Took a puke covered walk of shame past her mother.”

1

“Back when I lived with my dad, I took home a friend’s sister from the bar. Pretty messed up, don’t remember much. We were awoken by 4 guys with guns drawn yelling at us to get out of bed.
Turns out I was being raided by the friendly local drug task force. Sitting on the couch with my dad and this chick, whose name I could barely remember, while they tore up the house was interesting. We all ended up getting arrested and I haven’t talked to her since.

“She tried to add me on FB a couple years ago, I guess I made a good impression.
“Edit: to anyone who was following this, I requested more info from local clerk of court. I didn’t get much, the arresting report is only available for me and doesn’t specify what the chick’s specifics, and her info has been taken down (sealed or expunged maybe?) but I did find that she had “ARRESTED: F/POSS SCHEDULE IV SUBSTANCE” and then her final outcome was “NOLP/NO INFO:POSS SCHED I”. If anyone can interpret that better than me, be my guess but it looks like whatever the charges, they were no info’d in the end so she got off.”

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Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.