12 Painfully Funny Real-life Stories About House Guests From Hell

All of these visitors outstayed their welcome and then some.

A home destroyed.
A home destroyed And it's all down to house guests.

“What’s the worst thing a house guest has done in your home?”

That was the question posed by one Reddit user recently and some pretty horrifying answers followed. Your home is supposed to be a safe space. When you invite someone into your home, it goes without saying that you are expecting them to adhere to certain standards.

It doesn’t always work out that way though. Whether it’s a friend or acquaintance coming to stay, party guests or family, things can and often go wrong.

Even so, these stories are both amusing and horrifying in equal measure. Here are 12 of the very best.


12

fishet: “We (family and I) were going on a trip and we told a family friend he could crash at our house while we gone but he would have to take care of things and pay for his own food and such. Halfway through our trip we get a call from the police. Apparently he threw a huge party which trashed the house, then proceeded to take one of our cars and drive it through the front of the house, totalling the car and collapsing most of the front wall. This was last week. We had to cut our trip short and come home to deal with this. We are currently in the process of pressing charges.”

11

CHOCOLATEJ3SU5: “Years ago I had a big party (which was a weekly occurance) and these like 3 roided up goofs went into the (tiny) bathroom to do some lines. Well they got allhyped up and ripped our sink off the wall.”

10

saltywings: “My roommate had a friend who was akin to Lennie in Of Mice and Men, just not a smart guy, super slow, no idea how he made it through his teen years at this point. This guy is over all the time and constantly doing stupid shit mostly while doing drugs or just not thinking ahead of time. Well, I had a cat that was sort of pushed on me by someone else because they couldn’t look after it, so somehow after saying I would just look after it for 2 weeks, I end up just keeping the cat because the girl who said it was temporary was a liar. This cat is growing up nicely but it is strictly an indoor cat. We are next to a major roadway, it wasn’t a great part of town, and I just didn’t want the cat going out anyways. Anyways, this dumb fuck that is my roommates friend ends up getting high on mushrooms and starts trying to tell me how it was horrible to cut the cat’s balls off. I am like WTF are you talking about, we had to get the cat fixed, he then proceeds to let the cat out later that night saying he was free from the evil tyranny of my grasp or something. Guess fucking what, the cat got run over. Fuck you Charlie.”

9

hmfiddlesworth: “When noone was looking he went through the liquor cabinet, found an unopened bottle of caramel vodka, and downed the whole lot. He then placed the bottle back in the cupboard as though nothing had happened before proceeding to the bathroom where he vomited on everything except in the toilet. Didnt clean any of it up, but before leaving did use my SO’s toothbrush.”

8

mochasweetbaby: “My wife is from Colombia. She woke up one day to tell me her aunt was planning to move to the USA and she needed some help to settle down in america for about 6 months to year. I t like the idea but she insisted and I couldn’t say no. Once she was settle with us after 3 or 4 months I started noticing things that really bothered me. My wife and do deep clean up of the house every Saturday morning. I am sure she noticed after 3 motnhs.. but anyways, she never asked to help cleaning at all. SIDE NOTE: In south america, regardless of your social status EVERYBODY has a maid. She would express this to us, and how hard it was for her to clean becuse it depressed her to do “maid’s work”. On top of it, she would always play Colombia vallenatos (which I do not appreciate and here is an example of why (you be the judge) non stop, back to back, all day… she was so shameless that she would play them while we were cleaning the house and throw comments like “this makes me feel like home, I remember Nazaria (her colombian made) loved playing this song while cooking. Big WTF. What made kick her out was the following. After 6 months of staying with us she asks me if she can invite her boyfriend for dinner so that we get to know him. I agreed and set up a big BBQ. The boyfriend (in his late 50s and also Colombian) gets so wasted he ends up naked, laying in his own vomit and feces, yes laying on SHIT and VOMIT in the guest bathroom. How did we find him? oh yes, my 4 years niece needed to go potty! She begged me if he could stay as I was too drunk to drive him back (of course she was expecting us to drive him back an hour away after the party). I agreed since it had to with safety, I was not happy tho. The following morning I wake up and everybody is gone. I call my wife to ask her where was she? She was driving them back to his house because he had to go to work… I was pissed that they used my wife but at the same time happy that they were gone. All of the sudden I remember the guest bathroom, I though they at least cleaned that.. to my surprise (or not) they left the bathroom full of vomit and shit. When my wife returned with her aunt I told her that the only way she could stay with us is if she cleaned the guest bathroom. She took offense on this and asked my wife to please driver her to the boyfriends house and she was gone and I was happy. Never said thank you, never apologized and I never want them back in my house.”

7

Schlepti: ““Friends of a relative stayed the night at our place with their kids while we were out of town. We asked if the children wet the bed so we could put plastic sheets down. They were confident the kids wouldn’t wet the bed so we let it be. We come home to find 2 of the beds (new matresses) soaked in piss – not even stripped or changed. The kids had wet the bed in the night, moved to another bed and wet again. 3 weeks later we found used diapers under one of the beds. Never said thank you, never said sorry.”

6

michaelnpdx: ““Back in my married days my “best friend” fell on some hard times after having his appendix removed. My wife and I decided that he could stay with us until he could find a job as his mom had just moved across the state and he had no other family.

“At the time I worked 56hr shifts, so I was gone from Sunday night to Wednesday afternoon, and my wife was a nursing student who worked at the same place I did a few hours a day. He stayed with us for 5 months, and I got him a job with the company my wife and I worked for. Things were great the entire time. He paid rent, he kept his room clean, and I always had someone to watch football and drink beer with.

“Then one day I caught my wife in a lie, and when the truth came out I learned that she was having sex with a co-worker. She decided that rather than trying to salvage our marriage she wanted to end it. Thank God my friend was there for me, giving me a shoulder to cry on, and someone to share the big empty house with after she moved in with the other guy.

“A couple months after she left we went on a roadtrip to the city and after a few bars decided to go to a strip club. It wasn’t long before he got us kicked out when he suddenly became obsessed with the idea of trying to put his tongue in a strippers butt. As we drove away he began throwing things out of the sunroof of my car and I asked him to either knock it off or walk the next 10 blocks to our motel. He was pissed, but he opted to get out of the car and walk for whatever reason. I continued to drive (stupidly pretty buzzed) but arrived without causing an accident.

“As I loaded into my stuff into my motel room I heard a crash and saw him smash my driver side window and break off my side view mirror. I immediately called the police to report it, and they showed up just as he was returning from the Applebees across the street that he had been kicked out of for being too drunk. He began screaming obscenities at me, and telling the police that I had just been driving intoxicated. The officers told him that he needed to stop screaming, or that he’d be arrested for public intoxication. He stopped immediately. I could see a wave of calm pass through him when he looked me in the eye and with a completely sober and unemotional voice said, “Michael, I’ve been fucking your wife for months now, and you’re too fucking stupid to even realize it.” The officers immediately smashed his face into the trunk of the cop car and cuffed him. One of them actually asked if I was going to be alright because he could see I was pretty shaken up.

“After that I never talked to him again. When he got back to town the locks were changed and his stuff was in the front yard. A couple of years later he actually started dating my ex wife, and through hearing from friends and reading available court records online it seems their relationship ended with her in the hospital severely beaten and him in jail for a long time. I would never wish that on someone, but it definitely felt like the universe evened itself out.”

5

EvieIsEvil: “Brother’s friend spent the night. Next morning, before any of us has awoken, he called 911 and reported being kidnapped by my mom. Then casually left the house and walked home. Cops show up, guns drawn, and bang on our front door. My whole family wakes up, as do our neighbors, and the cops put my mom on the ground, while they search the house. We were all so confused and they kept asking us, “where is Demetri”? We all had no clue and finally, my brother is allowed to call Demetri’s house. He is home and said he left early. My mom put two and two together and explained that Demetri came from a broken home and was a bit of a troublemaker, so he must have called them.

“They release her and brush everything off. My mom jumped in her car and drove to Demtri’s. She apparently told his mom what happened and said Demtri was no longer welcome at her home. All of our friends were banned from using our phone unless permission from her was requested. To this day, like 20 years later, Demetri is still banned from setting foot on her property and no one but family can use her phone.”

4

ChampsMissingLeg: “We hosted a married couple at our house for a weekend. Both days they were there, in the middle of the afternoon, they would take a shower. Together, for like an hour. You could hear… the noises. It was so awkward and they did it both times while we were home. 

“I’m fine with sexytime, just maybe be a little more discrete?”

3

ChiefBigwily: “I had a rager of a party a few years back and some dude decided to make a “soup” in my bathtub. 

“He was very inclusive in his approach and allowed anyone to add their own “ingredients”, but he was the chef and protected it all night. I didn’t find out until the early morning because I was busy being off my tits and all that.

“Included in the soup was: vomit, blood, a couple condoms (not used), a shit ton of water, spirits and beer – some noodles, pasta, cereal, milk and a fish someone had taken from my neighbours pond which subsequently died. 

“There was a ton of other stuff too, but that is what I remember.”

2

ProjectKurtz: “When I was in college, a friend of a friend fell on hard times and we happened to have a spare bedroom, and we let her stay there for a couple months. She would shower at most once a month, and didn’t use soap or shampoo when doing so. She did not wash her clothes at all, they were all just kept in a large unwashed pile and she wore them over and over again. Eventually my dad and I put all of her clothes in two trash bags and put them in the garage, and he told her she could bring them back into the house after she washed them.

“It was a month after she left until you could enter that room without gagging.”

1

frerky5: “I had a houseguest every two weeks who stayed the whole weekend. He did not one but many little annoying things every time. First of all: he left a huge mess. Since this was a recurring thing, he was supposed to make his bed on the couch (he was too lazy to set up the futon) so he was aware about the conditions of his stay.

“One day I had to clean up the bed (he used a sleeping bag, didn’t pack it, tore down the coating of the couch which he didn’t setup properly again), throw away his garbage (soda bottles, snack wrappings, a band-aid (eww)) right after he “had to rush to the train which was about to leave” after laying there an hour awake. 

“He took a spectacle case of mine and an umbrella which he never brought back nor acknowledged he took in the first place.

“He would also always use everything up (I have long hair and somehow he manages to empty my shampoo bottle 4 times faster than me, same with toothpaste, of course he never brought his own), especially food/drinks. We bought a 1 liter bottle of cola for 3 people, everyone gets a glass for dinner, he takes a 0,5 liter glass for his “portion”. 

“The most annoying thing was how he would just enter my room after (sometimes) knocking and me saying “don’t come in” to use my computer to “look at when the train leaves”. Everytime I got up to see what he was doing he really quickly closed something and sat in front of the desktop doing nothing. One time I saw that he went through private files that I had. Unbelievable.”

If you enjoyed these stories, check out 12 real-life one night stand horror stories right here.

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Loaded staff writer Jack Beresford has produced content for Lad Bible, Axonn Media and a variety of online sports and news media outlets.