It’s the start of November and we all know what that means. Gentlemen across the land will soon be growing out their moustaches for Movember – some will be doing it for charity while others might be doing it because they once saw an actor they like sporting one for a particular role.
While there’s no doubt some of Hollywood’s elite can pull off the thick lustrous ‘tache – people like Burt Reynolds, Sam Elliott and Daniel Day-Lewis, for example – it must be said that even some of the industry’s finest have been captured on film with the sort of moustache a 14-year old would be ashamed of.
Here we present our picks for the top ten worst movie moustaches (be warned some of these are really quite bad)…
Nicolas Cage – Raising Arizona
The Coen Brothers’ cult classic starred a then relatively unknown Nicolas Cage with this little 80’s moustache and messy hair combo. Cage has been known to rock the facial hair over the years; he had full stubble and grew out his hair for Con Air while returning to the ‘tache for World Trade Center in 2006. Back in 1987 though, he looked like porn star. Maybe that was deliberate?
Ben Stiller – Dodgeball
Dodgeball saw Stiller play arrogant health fitness chain owner White Goodman, complete with Hulk Hogan-styled moustache and a small tuft of hair just under the bottom lip. Naturally the look fit in with the comedy value of the film but we have to feel for Stiller, who had to walk around with that thing on his face for the duration of the shoot.
Sacha Baron Cohen – Borat
After the Ali G movie failed to make the sort of impact Cohen would have liked, he returned with a bang with Borat in 2006. The mockumentary saw Cohen in the now instantly-recognisable getup of a grey suit and big bushy moustache in his portrayal of the Kazakstan TV presenter. Knowing Cohen’s commitment to his roles we’re fairly sure it was all him.
Matt Dillon – There’s Something About Mary
Everyone takes something away from this movie – most remember Cameron Diaz’s ‘hair gel’ scene or perhaps the moment near the beginning where Stiller has an unfortunate zipper accident. You’d be forgiven for forgetting about Matt Dillon’s dangerously thin pencil moustache he sports throughout. He’s not exactly the nicest of characters so a trademark evil moustache works but we’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it once filming had wrapped.
Robert Pattinson – Little Ashes
When people talk about Pattinson’s portrayal of Salvador Dali in 2008’s Little Ashes it’s difficult not to discuss the facial hair – just look at it! Little Ashes came out the same year as another little film you might have heard of that starred Pattinson: Twilight. Imagine if Edward Cullen had walked into Bella’s life sporting a similar feature, we might never have had Twilight…
Kurt Russell – Tombstone
Two trailers please, one for Mr Russell and another for that moustache. Tombstone is a great movie but it’s difficult not to snigger when Russell is on screen with that big bushy perfectly groomed moustache. The film also starred Sam Elliott with his trademark feature as well as Val Kilmer and Bill Paxton… doing their best to keep up with the facial hair sky-high standards on set.
Harry Shearer – This is Spinal Tap
Spinal Tap maybe the greatest rockumentary ever and Harry Shearer’s Derek Smalls is one of the film’s most memorable characters, mainly because of his outlandish dress sense and facial hair that consists of goatee sides that go down to the base of his neck. It’s something only a rock star could get away with, or a pretend one at least.
Michael Cera – Youth in Revolt
Michael Cera is one of those people who doesn’t seem to look any older each time we see him. Hard to believe he’s now 28 years old. Cera’s moustache in Youth in Revolt just didn’t look right. Perhaps Cera thought this too as he hasn’t sported any kind of facial hair in any subsequent films or TV roles. That’s probably for the best.
John Travolta – The Taking of Pelham 123
The 2009 remake of The Taking of Pelham 123 didn’t really have a lot going for it. One of the common criticisms of the movie was the miscasting of Travolta in the lead villain role, despite the facial hair he had grown out in an effort to appear more menacing. Still, if Pelham 123 taught Hollywood anything it’s when you want to install a threatening villain, having John Travolta with this facial hair may not be the way to go.
Sean Connery – Zardoz
Connery is the original Bond and we will always love him for that. It’s some of his other roles throughout the years that have us scratching our heads. For instance, 1974’s Zardoz. How the hell did they get the world’s most suave secret agent to agree to dress like this? With that hair, and of course that moustache!
Loaded digital reporter Oli Palmer has been writing about film/TV since 2013. Follow Oli on Twitter at @olipalmer